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Mar. 18th, 2005 @ 08:59 am the Kristin Mountain Horror Picture Show!
Current Mood: too many pills
Current Music: Voices---disturbed
Welcome back to the Kristin Mountain Horror Picture Show! My name is Kristin. I’m the host and the star! w00t! Anyway. I’m trying to sound enthusiastic.....about anything... I’ve got the indoor blues. I didn’t go out last night and I feel really left out. I know everyone else got to go.... and I didn’t. It completely sucks. This is spring break.......gash..... You know, I shouldn’t complain..... It’s my fault I have to give back some money and time anyway. We’re completely broke. Those two trips to Parkwood killed us. I can’t get my drivers license because the insurance would go up.... and I have to blame it on myself.... “Oh, I forgot.... I’ll get my license in a couple of weeks.” I’m tired of that. I’m tired of everything. I’m sick of everything.
Every time I get alone and start to think about how I really feel about life, I want to start drinking and cutting and I just want to cry. Then I end up calling someone. I hate having to call someone. That just shows weakness on my part. I can’t stand that I can’t handle my problems. Hell, I don’t even know at this point what my problems are... I try just to blame it all on being a teenager. That’s not going to work forever.
God.... I want to cry..... But I can’t. I just can’t cry anymore..... I cut last night. I sat there on my new red rug and let my blood blend in with the carpet. Maybe the gashes help..... Maybe someone will notice and help me. Maybe I’ll just die and no one will notice. That seems more likely.
I could name off a short list of people that would notice...... I said notice, not care. I highly doubt over five people outside my family would care. And my family would care only because we’re such a tight-assed group of people. Grandma will be in the salon in tears, her poor baby girl killed herself. Everyone will give sympathy for me for awhile. Then, I will become nothing more than another page in Caroline’s scrapbook......


I’m going to my room for a good cry while no one’s home.....
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Mar. 17th, 2005 @ 02:18 pm tangled mass of confusion
Current Mood: not completely sure...
Current Music: innocent.---our lady peace
The same sensuality transpired. I need him now more than ever. When he leaves, I shall be crushed. For eternity. This lust he gives me is all I know. I feel so barbaric, showing my lust this openly, but I also feel free. Like nothing can touch me. Has anyone ever gotten that feeling? Probably so, but I feel like I can fly. It’s just so damn complicated. I know what my life is. I know what it should be. I know that the two are nothing alike. I know what I’d have to do if I wanted to change it. But I’m not sure at this point if I want it changed. I’m enjoying the ecstasy, the lust, the animosity of it all. I think, above all, I enjoy my own confusion. I enjoy my frustration. I enjoy the feeling I get when I’m intoxicated. I love this feeling I have now..... the little voice inside my head that says, “Just go ahead and do it, Kristin. You won’t regret it. Just don’t tell anybody. Give into your desires.” And I’m about to do just that. I’m about to let it all get tangled up.... but what happens if I can’t take it? What happens if my body is willing, but my soul is not? Will I become a mass of tangled anger and frustration? We’ll have to see, because at this point, he’s all I want.
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Mar. 17th, 2005 @ 02:15 pm metamorphasis
Current Mood: solemn
The overall tone of my journal/diary has changed. Instead of an “I have done” journal, I now have an “I feel” journal. One of the most common words you’ll hear: frustrated, for it is the emotion I feel most often. Anyway. yeah. Later.
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Mar. 16th, 2005 @ 10:11 am connections
Current Mood: a bleeding heart
Current Music: i believe in a thing called love--- the darkness
woah. yeah. made some awesome connections last night. future still looks bleak--because even after all the passion occured, the daylight brings us nothing but *thinks for a word*........desolation. i get so frustrated.... knowing that that the thing that transpired is not only beautiful, but it can only happen in the dark. what kind of passion can't occur in the light, i ask you? what kind? you know? just tell me that. because i know he will leave this summer... and i know i'll miss him like mad.... but that gives him no right to steal my heart in the dark, and not give it back when the morning comes. all this ranting still does nothing to change the way my heart has turned. my end shall be from a long fall off the tallest tower, so everyone can privvy.



when you see a splattered girl on the news, check and see if her name was kristin. that's just about what i feel like doing. too bad i still feel the endorphins and ecstacy...
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Mar. 10th, 2005 @ 04:29 pm ahhhhhhhhhhh!
Current Mood: w00t!
Current Music: notta
i'm back on! i'm back on! i'm back on!!!!! *does the i'm back onlinejournaling dance* w00t! i was about to go nuts. it's funny how i'm addicted so fast!
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Mar. 10th, 2005 @ 07:27 am pissed
Current Mood: shitty
Current Music: notta
i am so fucking pissed off right now.... omigod. my mom has blocked livejournal off my computer, so i won't be on until i do a shitload of groveling.
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Mar. 7th, 2005 @ 05:28 pm blah....blah....blah.....
Current Mood: hobjiggled
Current Music: nothing
yeah.  mondo blah.  i wish johnathan and everyone else could find my lj... no wait.... i don't.  i don't want anyone i know to read this.  maybe it would be WAY too embarassing.  anyway.  i don't really have anything to write about!  except maybe---- yeah.  we've got exams tomorrow.  blegh.  french and health.  who needs to take an exam about health??  omigod! *passes out*  i so do not want to go to school tomorrow.  when i go to school, i'll see johnathan.....*le sigh*  yeah.  i can't help it.  i'm infatuated.  i feel so---weird.  i feel like i need him to get through the day.  it's a sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad feeling.  i don't want to see him, but then again, i do.........   oh well.  i'll write back later.
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Mar. 6th, 2005 @ 08:45 pm *sniffle**tear*
Current Mood: does shitty count?
Current Music: ladybugbananza----forest of the deprived
tonight was a bummer. i went out with caroline and brian again and we all headed over to johnathan's house-- but he wasn't home. yeah. nice. i was bummed. still am. anyway. we got to his house and like started banging on his doors and windows and screaming, knowing he wasn't there! and uh--we went and jumped on his trampoline in his back yard and was about to go and investigate his dog, but caroline, who was in front of me, smelled him and like-said *laugh* "oh my god he smells like a dog!" *laugh!* it was the stupidest thing. we had fun, though. brian took us mudding out behind his uncles house and we pumped Queen of the Damned like it was Queen.... private joke, sorry! anyway. it was like--woah--so fucking hilarious. i was high on life. then we went to mcdonalds and got me a cheeseburger. i bought everyone fries. then we had a french-fry-war.... which was fun.... yeah. and then i went home. twenty minutes before curfew! w00t! yeah! my mom about spazzed! it was funny.... then i came home and left a fucked up message on johnathan's machine. i think i'll call him in the morning..........
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Mar. 4th, 2005 @ 08:40 pm (no subject)
my day just got SOOOO much better. caroline and i went with brian and whatnot. big surprise for me=we went to johnathan's house. omg. omg.
omg. omg. yeah. omg. anyway. we were sitting on his bed propped against the wall. all of us.... and caroline and brian started uhhh.... getting frisky if you catch my drift. remember what happened earlier today... i was like "caroline! get a room!" and she said "i'm in one. you just happen to be in it, too"... so yeah. i turned out the light and the candle because i just didn't want to see that. then---johnathan just came out of nowhere and frenched me. WOAH! yeah. omg. omg. omg. i was having extreem trouble breathing. yeah. and he's like "forget everything i said today. just be with me here and now." i didn't know what to say. so i did what he said. nothing past making out happened..... i wouldn't tell you if it did..... but... yeah. it was awesome. my day is much better. *sigh**grin*
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Mar. 4th, 2005 @ 12:39 pm i..........hate.........life..........
Current Mood: crappy
Current Music: my dad watching braveheart
life sucks. life sucks really bad. i just got sent home for migrane. yeah. aweful day. first period--i lost it. i sent johnathan a note saying i totally can't live without him or whatnot...
second period bell--gave johnathan the note and ran...third period--completely died trying to think of what he was thinking...first lunch--got him out of his class. he told me that he'd been through tough relationships and i'm younger so yeah.... he and me could never be. JUST TWO YEARS I TELL YOU! and after that long and embarassing talk, i ran off and brandi told me she was tired of me skipping out on her to hang out with guys. then, i told she saw me crying and i told her what was wrong. yeah. she was empathetic. went to band-- my band directer freaking cut me out of my music.... or atleast most of it. i was so pissed off. GOD! i hate my band director. he sucks. and that was the last straw. after that, i just went in the office and cried and got sent home. where i am now. yeah. talk to you all later.
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Mar. 3rd, 2005 @ 06:19 pm birthday
Current Mood: amused
Current Music: notta
hey guys! or anyone reading my journal! yeah.... today's my birthday. joy. sweet sixteen. did you know that the old saying is "sweet sixteen and never been kissed"........ riiiiiiiight..... heh heh. anyway. i just got home from la cabana. caroline took me out for a free birthday meal where the waiter was totally hitting on both of us. caroline mentioned that it was my birthday and he was like "hey how old are you" and i was like "sixteen" and he was like "that's too bad" and i was like "why?" and he was like "cause i was enjoying hitting on you but now i realize you're too young." then, two seconds later, he was asking for my number...GAH! i hate guys like that. then he went and lost my free birthday gift certificate. DOUBLE GAH! yeah. he was a complete nuisance. it kind of annoyed me. but other than that male shovanest pig, my sweet sixteenth birthday went well. everyone in french class sang happy birthday in french.... totally awesome... and then....... *thinks* johnathan *sigh* told me to have a sweet sweet sixteen. *sigh*!!! anyway. yeah. my mom wants the computer now --GAH!-- so, yeah. i'll come and update later.
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